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As a family member and person in recovery, I have been working for years on deciphering those things I can control from those things that are out of my control. I recently learned about the “Let Them” theory from a podcast and book by author and motivational speaker Mel Robbins. It is by no means a new concept to many of us that have walked this wellness journey, but Robbins’ delivery of the philosophy is one that really resonates with me. The “Let Them” theory is a reminder as a family member, and a support to people dealing with some major life challenges, that I can’t fix, control, or change someone else’s path.
When I am watching someone struggle, especially someone I love deeply, my instinct is often to jump in and save them. I want to take away their pain, fix their mistakes, and keep them safe from the consequences of their actions. But the Let Them theory has reinforced for me that sometimes, the best way I can help is by stepping back, allowing them to face the reality of their situation, and trusting in their ability to grow and learn from their own experiences.
I’ve learned that when I try to control my loved one, I end up putting unnecessary pressure on both of us. I start to take on their responsibility and their choices, and that’s not healthy for me or for them. I can, and do) offer a listening ear, love, support, and encouragement, but I also realize that what they do with it isn’t in my control.
Let them doesn’t mean I don’t care—it’s the opposite. It means I trust that my loved one is capable of finding their way, even if it means they’ll stumble along the way. It’s about learning to sit with discomfort, being there when they need us, and not rushing to “fix” things. It's about letting them build their own strength and resilience.
In my own experience, when I embraced this idea, I began to find more peace in my own journey as a family member of people living with significant life challenges. I stopped trying to do the work for them and focused on my own growth—finding my own support system, my own recovery, and setting healthy boundaries. By letting them, I also freed myself. I stopped carrying the burden of someone else’s struggles. It’s not about giving up on them, but giving them the space to grow in their own time and in their own way. As hard as it is, sometimes the greatest gift I can offer my loved one is the freedom to make mistakes and learn from them.
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